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Birthing with Vaginismus

by | Oct 7, 2021 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

Giving birth with vaginismus

 ‘I wish there were more birth stories that covered vaginismus. Australian birth stories just released one very recently which I wish I’d been able to hear prior to the birth’

New Mum Erin shares her story

Thought it was about time I wrote out my birth story for you while it’s still relatively fresh in my head. Little Mason and I are doing well, we’ve had some breastfeeding troubles and he lost a bit too much weight but he’s on the right track now and I’m getting the hang of it.

As you know I had pressure to be induced due to a suspected whopper of a baby! After numerous appts with head of obstetrics I reluctantly agreed to be induced at 41 weeks (30th august). Of course I did ALL the things to try and bring on labor.

 

Monday came and still only a few niggles here and there, I knew deep down he was not ready. I did another fear release that morning as one last attempt to hopefully get things going.
Monday came and still only a few niggles here and there, I knew deep down he was not ready. I did another fear release that morning as one last attempt to hopefully get things going.
As you know I’ve got vaginismus and I developed this due to a medical proceedure when I was 5 years old. In the week leading up to the induction I had agreed to let my midwife attempt 3 stretch and sweeps. She was so understanding and gentle. Michael came with me all 3 times and I felt safe. Unfortunately all 3 times my midwife was not able to reach my cervix as I just could not relax my muscles enough. I was proud of my effort to at least try as it was a major fear.
At 12pm on Monday 30th Michael and I made our way to KEMH (I was not allowed to birth at the family birth centre anymore due to the risk of my potential massive baby). My midwife happened to start annual leave this day too. Things were not off to a good start but, I just listened to my hypnobirthing tracks in the waiting room and tried to relax. 
At 2.30pm it was agreed I’d try cervidil to get things going. The Foley would be too traumatic for me. Michael held my hand and I used the gas. She reached my cervix and I started to scream, I found it excruciating and in my mind I was transported back to that hospital bed when I was 5. She successfully got it in (just) but it left me in the fetal position bawling. I could not move from that position for a good hour and I was traumatised. Michael was too. 
The surges started around 7.30pm and my sister arrived. We laughed, all had a go on the gas of course and we had our playlist on in the background. The surges started to ramp up but I was breathing through them, using the gas and the shower. I used the hypnobirthing tracks, my sister and Michael read my affirmations to me and did light touch massage. The only thing in my way was the fear of the next step of induction (breaking my waters). I was so sore from the cervidil and did not want anyone else inserting anything into me. 
My sister left at around 1am to go get some sleep. I agreed to let a midwife do an exam on me to see how the cervidil was working. I did my best to relax but she could hardly get inside me so I was left to just wait it out. My surges kept coming through the night, I drifted in and out of sleep between them. I was left alone by the midwives for most of the next day as I really don’t think they knew what to do with me. I was refusing exams now and I was getting exhausted. 24 hours since the cervidil went in and now I was getting pressure for the next step. Did I want an epidural and my waters broken or did I want a cesarean? I asked lots of questions about what I would feel if they broke my waters after an epidural. They explained I wouldn’t feel pain but I’d feel pressure. I was terrified. I cried and cried because I knew I had to make a decision and I hated both options. I really regretted letting them induce me. I felt trapped and unsafe. 
After 6 more hours of surges and talking through the options with my sister and Michael I decided on the cesarean. I was so traumatised from the cervidil and I just couldn’t take anymore. I felt like I’d come away with so much trauma and I’d already spent years and hundreds of dollars working on trying to overcome my vaginismus. I felt instant relief when I made the decision but also guilt. Michael only had 2 weeks off work and my Mum had very recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. Who was going to be able to help me after surgery? Michael said not to worry, he’d take more time off work.

At 7pm on the 31st of August (30 hours since the induction started, I was prepped and taken to theatre with Michael by my side. I had a lovely midwife from the family birth centre attend and be our photographer.

I was still having surges and strangely enough they increased once I decided on the cesarean. The spinal was administered and I was shaking with fear but also as a side effect of the medication. Everyone in the room was lovely and my surgeon was amazing. She was obviously passionate and really enjoyed her job. She was reassuring and joyful. We had our playlist on during the process and the atmosphere in the room was beautiful and calm. 

At 7.27pm I was asked if I was ready to be a mum and I started bawling. At 7.28pm Mason was lifted up over the sheets and I fell in love. He just looked around the room so calmly. It was like he looked at everyone in the room. He didn’t cry but I could tell he was fine, he was so calm. He was like an old soul, he just had this knowing look on his face. Michael broke down at this point and we were just in awe of him.

Although I did not get the birth I wished for I truly am thankful I had the hypnobirthing tools to help me. I couldn’t have made the decision to have a cesarean without going through what I did. 

Although I have some trauma to work through, I believe it is minimal due to my preparation. I felt empowered to say no to further procedures and asked lots of questions. I’m grateful I can reflect back on Mason’s birth and feel happy. 

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